Sunday, January 23, 2011

A Thought...February 14, 2010

I sit here in my quiet house, a song filtered in the back ground, played from the top most floor of my home, reaching me sitting in the basement. The crescendo, a surge of the multilayered track of piano on piano, drum beats, a staccato in the back ground, the guitar providing an accent track for specific chords. A perfectly matched voice to these instruments, it is like an instrument itself. I close my eyes, and let the music fill me up, and over flow. My brain drifts to the images this song provokes. Are there tears? Maybe yes, maybe no. Only I know, and I’m not telling you. Is there happiness? Yes. Oh yes. Bittersweet, I will admit. But that’s okay. I’m where I need to be.

17 days ago I was fired from a job that I loved. I won’t go into details. The details aren’t important. Not for this moment in time. What’s important is that I’m okay now. I’m stressed, of course, but oddly enough, I don’t feel the tension in my shoulders or my brow that I did. My eyes aren’t puffy from the lack of sleep, and my skin doesn’t feel waxy from exhaustion. That isn’t to say that it was all bad. The people, more than anything kept me going back day in and day out. I was good at what I did, because I wouldn’t be anything else.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I go where I go, to learn and grow. To triumph and overcome. To fall, and pull myself up and not give in. To look through tears, and see there is the light. And the light I see through the tears, is the rainbow I follow to reach my pot of gold. For too long there have been too many people trying to keep me down, trying to shake to my core my self worth and the knowledge of who I am, so I will in turn fall in line. I don’t let them. I stand on my own two feet, and breathe deeply through the toxic fumes they spew at me. It’s taken a few knock downs to learn this, and every so often I find myself experiencing another one to remind me of where I came from and where I need to be heading.

So instead of looking back on my previous job with anger for how it ended, I instead choose to turn my face to the future, and see this ending as a new beginning. I take what I have learned, both personally and professionally, and embrace my new future. I take those I met, and hold them to me, and invite them to be parts of my continuing being. I mourn only the lost opportunity, but not too long. What’s lost in the past stays there, and there are reasons it’s lost. Instead, I form my world for me, and promise to myself to look after myself better than I had in the past.

I have found things that are truly yours are only taken from you if you let them be. Pride. Self worth. Self esteem. Others may bruise them, but only you can let people take them from you. These traits I still retain. I’d forgotten them for a while, instead letting my walls break down, and allowed what was bottled up to wash away the debris. I’ve given myself a rebirth. Of thought, of consciousness, and of self.

So I sit here now, listening to my music, letting it fill me, move through me, and move me. Songs conjure images. Images conjure my thoughts. My thoughts revive my emotions, and I can look back and smile. Or cry. Or laugh. Or rage. Or rant. Or scream. Or all of these. Or none of these. Sometimes, more than one. It doesn’t matter what the combination, what matters is that I do it. What matters is that I have the choice and the option to do it. What matters is that this is me.

And so I continue on, and regret nothing. I am where I need to be, and perhaps. For now. I need to be where I am.

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