This meditation is not for the squeamish, or those who do not want to know what's been boiling in my brain pan. I would like you to consider this to be a special invite into my mind, and have some fun with the gooey gooey innards. Feedback is as always welcome, encouraged, and craved. Only in the examination of one's mind do we learn to grow, and brave the changes we are faced with. So shall I start. And thus, I shall begin.
Some we live with, some we chose, some are chosen for us. Some we love, some we hate, some we tolerate, and some…some we would just rather ignore, and pretend they don’t exist. Love them or hate them, society is built on them, and there is no breaking away.
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual, Transsexual, Non-sexual, Straight, and a million other politically correct labels to identify the myriad of colours in the sexual mosaic that make up this world. But under it all, aren’t we all just people? Short answer. Yes. Long answer. Yes we are. The real answer though? The one society operates by? No. We can’t just be people. We have to be something. But it isn’t enough to define yourself, to work hard, and to be what you will. You have to be gay, or a lesbian, or bi, and on and on it goes. And if you’re something other than the ideal heterosexual, living in the suburbs, driving that damn SUV with 2.5 children and a white picket fence, then you exist on society’s fringes. We’ve made great strides to be in with the whole of society, and in Canada, we’re damn lucky compared to other places around the world. But to be accepted, truly accepted, it’s expected that we deny who and what we are and fit ourselves into the glorified cookie cutter of creation that we’ve been told to be since before we were old enough to think for ourselves.
I for one take pride in being on the fringes. I found my power, I find my strength, I find my voice, and I find my fire by existing in the in between state of being socially acceptable, and being on the fringe. I have found the best people out here with me. Strong. Beautiful. Proud. Noble. Witty. Funny. Delightful. And Perfect. Christina had it right. “We are beautiful, in every single way. Words can’t bring us down.” Let them label us. Call us names. Mock us. But don’t let them win. Take their words, and wield them as weapons. Where they use words, we use thoughts. Where they seek to insult us, we take those insults, and forge our armour. We stand strong, we stand together, and we walk towards a brighter day, where we toss aside these labels we’ve been saddled with, and simply exist as “Human.”
But until that day, I stand strong and proud. I am a gay man. I live in a hetero world, but I’ll be damned if I bend to the collective will and deny who and what I am. Until the day when I am accepted as Robert Dakin, nothing more, nothing less, then I will be happy and proud to wear whatever label society chooses to give me. But make no mistake. They intend to give it to me, but I have chosen to take it from them. Make it my own. And I stand with my allies, my friends and my family who support me, and don’t give a rat’s ass about what I’m called. I stand with my friends, whoever they may be, and know that they are beautiful, and perfect in my eyes.
So, society labels us, and puts us out to the fringes? That’s fine. We shine from within. We carry a light within us. Look at our rainbow. Isn’t it beautiful?
Now the part of the meditation I so seriously debated on sharing. But I figured…what the hell. You all know aspects of me. Why not share my own personal thoughts and observations. I’ll be honest in saying, it may not appear to be a pleasant analysis, at least in part, but it is honest.
I am 26. I’m married to a wonderful man who, despite my many flaws and faults, loves me for who I am. He stands by me, and helps me realize parts of myself that I thought either forgotten or misplaced.
I grew up too quickly I think. Sometimes. I was always such a serious person when I was younger. Still am I guess. But I’ve learned to find the fun in more things now than I had in the past. I let my heart lead my head on occasion which has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it has given me access to levels of my emotional self that I may not have realized otherwise. But a curse in that it’s lead me to trouble on more than one occasion. Ooops.
I will give the vibe that I’m detached, sometimes cold, distant. It’s the mask I’ve created to hide my heart because my bad habit of wearing it on my sleeve and wiping my nose with it. I don’t say “I love you” unless I mean it, and I don’t say it often. Sometimes I don’t say it often enough. Some people I want to tell, but chicken out. But for me, for me to love someone, it isn’t the same way I love Matt. He is my husband and my partner. For me to love, it is a feeling that goes beyond the simple ties of friendship.
But in this all, I still see myself on occasion as an ugly thing. As high as the peaks are, so are the depths of my valleys. I feel joy, love, but also sadness, and see darkness inside. We are all people of light and shadows, it’s only in finding the balance do we really know who we are. I am not blind to my darkness, nor do I shy away from it. Which scares me sometimes. Sometimes, I feel myself wrapped in my shadows, so tightly I can barely breathe, and all I want to do is scream at it. Rage against the darkness, but I’m lucky if I can barely muster a muffled squeak. It is with your helping hands, my friends, that I shred away the darkness. That I take the shadows that would seek to consume me, and with your help, push them back, and keep them at bay. And in that I find happiness, that there are those I can lean on when I don’t have the strength to keep myself erect. And in that happiness, I find shame, that I cannot do it on my own. And with this conflict, I can feel the pricking, burning tears forming behind my eyes, and I don’t know whether to rage, or scream, or cry or laugh, or sit numbly, and just let it all out. I try, everyday to be a good person, and I’ve been successful thus far. I stand strong, but sometimes, I just want to surround myself with people I can trust, let the defenses drop, and let it drain away. But I won’t. I can’t. Because, when it comes right down to it…I’m simply not strong enough.