Sunday, January 23, 2011

Details...October 1, 2009

"Hold Your Own. Know Your Name. And Go Your Own Way..."

I sit here on the eve of my 27th birthday, listening, in enjoyable silence, to Jason Mraz. As I write this, the song "Details in the Fabric" is playing. I'm relaxed. Contented. Sitting with a buzz that usually comes from a few drinks with good friends. I am, however, stone cold sober, with that lazy feeling of heaviness in my limbs. I am reflecting on the last 27 years, the same way a dear friend of mine recently reflected on the last 30 years of his own life, and I have come to realize that...Damn. I've done a fair bit already.

How the hell did that happen?

I count my blessings, among them are friends and family. A job I love. Coworkers, and managers who are awesome. A beautiful husband who, despite my flaws, loves me for who I am. Friends with whom I can entrust myself when I'm at the point I can't see past my glasses, and can feel no further than the tip of my nose. Family who I can lean on, and know that they aren't a crutch, but instead another of the support pillars I am truly blessed to have.

And my writing of notes that may or may not hold cohesive thoughts. The gift and ability to be able to sit and write these. And the bravery to post them, regardless of what I have to say. They are my words. My thoughts. No one elses. And if people like them, then that's wonderful. If they don't? That too is wonderful, because at least they know their own minds enough to know what they like or not.

I know I have seen and done much. I've been through shit that no living soul should have to deal with. I face down my personal demons, and make it emphatically clear to them that they are my bitch, not the other way around. I know things that make me the envy of those who are older than me, and I look at those who know things I don't with a mix of curiosity and pride. What a wonderful thing it is to possess a knowledge others are only vague about. And what a great thing it is, to be able to impart a bit of wisdom without hubris. I won't stop learning. I refuse. It's fun. Keeps y'sharp. "An enlightened man knows that he truly knows little." There is more knowledge in the world than I'll ever learn. But that's fine. As a human race, collectively...we know it all. We just need to learn to work together on it all.

"At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. " Lao Tzu. I don't think I've ever heard a more fitting statement for where I am right now in my life. At times, in the tempest that is my life, I feel overwhelmed. Stretched thin. Pushed to a breaking point. I can feel the pin prick tears behind my eyes, and the shortness of breath. But then I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I feel my world spinning around me. But the ground beneath my feet is solid. Still. Anchoring me where I need to be. I look deep in myself, and I see Me. Battered? Yes. Bruised? Definitely. Broken? Never. It will take more than anything in this world to break me. Because I know who I am. I know what I am. I know where I am going with my life, and woe be to the one who tries and stops me.

"Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing. We're just one big family. And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved..." Feeling the warmth and strength of hands on my shoulders, or the kind words from can I feel anything but loved? With the different kinds of love that are out there...I know I am blessed. And my gods, my heart is full. My husband. My family. My friends. Each one has a piece of my heart. And in different ways, I love them all. And too many people get hung up on that word. It is a powerful emotion, but we can thank society for creating the hang ups. That is one thing we can never have enough of.

So I look back on the last 27 years, and prepare to face my 28th with enthusiasm. I know who I am, which is more than what most can say. I am at peace with myself. As turbulent as that may be. I am strong. Stonger than people may think I am. I am content. I am, at present, alone. But I'm not lonely. There are too many people who surround me, either in body, or in spirit. Love. I love and am in love. And I am loved. I protect my friends, as best as I can, and I am there for them. Always, and all ways. No matter how dark things can get for me, I can see rays of light, and I let them warm me. My legs may shake with effort as I take each step, carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders. But I take each step, on shaking legs, knowing that I have the strength to carry myself, and any others who need my support. I can be ugly, but through that, I find something in myself that is beautiful. I am wise, because I will never be anything less than that.

And I am Robert Dakin. Living my life. Loving every minute of it.

As I started this note, I shall finish it as well. With a quote from a song.

"Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing."

And remember. Everything, will be fine. Have faith. Be strong. And when you find you can't keep going...I will always be here. No matter who. No matter why.

Love you

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