Sunday, January 23, 2011

Peace and Quiet...November 20, 2008

One advantage to waking up early in the morning to take the dogs out before going in to work, is the utter silence that fills the void between objects, surrounding me with a comfortable hug where my thoughts can run free. Standing out there, and at this time of year, watching the steam come from my coffee cup, meeting the steam that comes from my breath, I watch the forms in it take shape, and let my mind wander.

Usually the shapes end up looking like lumpy mashed potatoes, so I look a little further than that. That's when I look to the sky, and smile softly at the fact the air is now so cool, crisp and clean, that the light from the stars is just that much sharper. Don't get me wrong. General rule of thumb, I hate the cold, and I hate the morning. I'm not a winter person, nor a morning person. But there are those moments when everything is just so beautiful, so perfect, that I don't mind being up that early.

Leaning against the house, that constant reasurring pressure at my back, the slight cold seeping through my jacket, feet bare in my runners, coffee hot in my hand, and cold air washing through me, and the sound of the dogs running around, I realize that, even when things can sometimes be crap-tastic, the small things are always still there to help bring a smile to my face.

Head tipped back, nose in the air, eyes on the skies, I feel myself sliding back to a more simple time, many kilometers, and many years away. Back when my Grandmother on my Mom's side was still very much alive. Out on the deck at the cabin, we would sit and look at the stars, between slapping mosquitoes of course. A nice breeze off the lake, rustling the leaves, we'd sit, the pair of us, and look up at the stars. She taught me all the constellations she knew, how to find them, and where to find them in the over crowded skies. An advantage to very few street lamps out there, and the ones that were around were usually obscurred by trees.

I'd look then, as I look now, and separate myself from the overwhelming thoughts in my head. Confronted with such beauty, I now, as I did then, give my self over to the power of nature, and realize that there is nothing keeping me from feeling the tranquility now, at 26, that I did then, when I was only 6. 20 years difference in age, and even with the responsibilities of work, and home, I can still take a moment, and divest myself of all this shit I find myself mired in. I know it's still there, waiting for me when I break out of my reverie, but in those scant moments, I find myself lighter than I have ever been. The weight lifted, and I am free.

Even if only for a moment.

Then, I take a sip of my cooling coffee, lips curling at the bitterness of it as it cools. I take a breath, and exhale, feeling the world come back, to settle on my shoulders. I feel the weight of it, but I do not begrudge it. I now welcome it back, knowing that I have been given the tools to handle what ever may come. I have been given these tools by every person that has touched my life, and I know that there is nothing that I cannot face. I know I have to get ready for work. And I will. I know I have to go to work. And I will.

I draw myself away from the stars, and the cool air, and begin to go back inside, casting one last furtive glance over my shoulder at the sky. A silent promise to myself that tomorrow, I will be back. Cup of coffee in hand. The welcoming silence and darkness waiting for me. The stars, as watchful as eternity, I know that whatever will all be alright.

And now, my stars here on Earth...your thoughts? Your comments? All are always welcome.

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