Peace and Quiet...November 20, 2008

One advantage to waking up early in the morning to take the dogs out before going in to work, is the utter silence that fills the void between objects, surrounding me with a comfortable hug where my thoughts can run free. Standing out there, and at this time of year, watching the steam come from my coffee cup, meeting the steam that comes from my breath, I watch the forms in it take shape, and let my mind wander.

Usually the shapes end up looking like lumpy mashed potatoes, so I look a little further than that. That's when I look to the sky, and smile softly at the fact the air is now so cool, crisp and clean, that the light from the stars is just that much sharper. Don't get me wrong. General rule of thumb, I hate the cold, and I hate the morning. I'm not a winter person, nor a morning person. But there are those moments when everything is just so beautiful, so perfect, that I don't mind being up that early.

Leaning against the house, that constant reasurring pressure at my back, the slight cold seeping through my jacket, feet bare in my runners, coffee hot in my hand, and cold air washing through me, and the sound of the dogs running around, I realize that, even when things can sometimes be crap-tastic, the small things are always still there to help bring a smile to my face.

Head tipped back, nose in the air, eyes on the skies, I feel myself sliding back to a more simple time, many kilometers, and many years away. Back when my Grandmother on my Mom's side was still very much alive. Out on the deck at the cabin, we would sit and look at the stars, between slapping mosquitoes of course. A nice breeze off the lake, rustling the leaves, we'd sit, the pair of us, and look up at the stars. She taught me all the constellations she knew, how to find them, and where to find them in the over crowded skies. An advantage to very few street lamps out there, and the ones that were around were usually obscurred by trees.

I'd look then, as I look now, and separate myself from the overwhelming thoughts in my head. Confronted with such beauty, I now, as I did then, give my self over to the power of nature, and realize that there is nothing keeping me from feeling the tranquility now, at 26, that I did then, when I was only 6. 20 years difference in age, and even with the responsibilities of work, and home, I can still take a moment, and divest myself of all this shit I find myself mired in. I know it's still there, waiting for me when I break out of my reverie, but in those scant moments, I find myself lighter than I have ever been. The weight lifted, and I am free.

Even if only for a moment.

Then, I take a sip of my cooling coffee, lips curling at the bitterness of it as it cools. I take a breath, and exhale, feeling the world come back, to settle on my shoulders. I feel the weight of it, but I do not begrudge it. I now welcome it back, knowing that I have been given the tools to handle what ever may come. I have been given these tools by every person that has touched my life, and I know that there is nothing that I cannot face. I know I have to get ready for work. And I will. I know I have to go to work. And I will.

I draw myself away from the stars, and the cool air, and begin to go back inside, casting one last furtive glance over my shoulder at the sky. A silent promise to myself that tomorrow, I will be back. Cup of coffee in hand. The welcoming silence and darkness waiting for me. The stars, as watchful as eternity, I know that whatever comes...it will all be alright.


And now, my stars here on Earth...your thoughts? Your comments? All are always welcome.

A Meditation...November 17, 2008

This meditation is not for the squeamish, or those who do not want to know what's been boiling in my brain pan. I would like you to consider this to be a special invite into my mind, and have some fun with the gooey gooey innards. Feedback is as always welcome, encouraged, and craved. Only in the examination of one's mind do we learn to grow, and brave the changes we are faced with. So shall I start. And thus, I shall begin.

Sexuality:

Some we live with, some we chose, some are chosen for us. Some we love, some we hate, some we tolerate, and some…some we would just rather ignore, and pretend they don’t exist. Love them or hate them, society is built on them, and there is no breaking away.

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Pansexual, Asexual, Transsexual, Non-sexual, Straight, and a million other politically correct labels to identify the myriad of colours in the sexual mosaic that make up this world. But under it all, aren’t we all just people? Short answer. Yes. Long answer. Yes we are. The real answer though? The one society operates by? No. We can’t just be people. We have to be something. But it isn’t enough to define yourself, to work hard, and to be what you will. You have to be gay, or a lesbian, or bi, and on and on it goes. And if you’re something other than the ideal heterosexual, living in the suburbs, driving that damn SUV with 2.5 children and a white picket fence, then you exist on society’s fringes. We’ve made great strides to be in with the whole of society, and in Canada, we’re damn lucky compared to other places around the world. But to be accepted, truly accepted, it’s expected that we deny who and what we are and fit ourselves into the glorified cookie cutter of creation that we’ve been told to be since before we were old enough to think for ourselves.

I for one take pride in being on the fringes. I found my power, I find my strength, I find my voice, and I find my fire by existing in the in between state of being socially acceptable, and being on the fringe. I have found the best people out here with me. Strong. Beautiful. Proud. Noble. Witty. Funny. Delightful. And Perfect. Christina had it right. “We are beautiful, in every single way. Words can’t bring us down.” Let them label us. Call us names. Mock us. But don’t let them win. Take their words, and wield them as weapons. Where they use words, we use thoughts. Where they seek to insult us, we take those insults, and forge our armour. We stand strong, we stand together, and we walk towards a brighter day, where we toss aside these labels we’ve been saddled with, and simply exist as “Human.”

But until that day, I stand strong and proud. I am a gay man. I live in a hetero world, but I’ll be damned if I bend to the collective will and deny who and what I am. Until the day when I am accepted as Robert Dakin, nothing more, nothing less, then I will be happy and proud to wear whatever label society chooses to give me. But make no mistake. They intend to give it to me, but I have chosen to take it from them. Make it my own. And I stand with my allies, my friends and my family who support me, and don’t give a rat’s ass about what I’m called. I stand with my friends, whoever they may be, and know that they are beautiful, and perfect in my eyes.

So, society labels us, and puts us out to the fringes? That’s fine. We shine from within. We carry a light within us. Look at our rainbow. Isn’t it beautiful?

Self:

Now the part of the meditation I so seriously debated on sharing. But I figured…what the hell. You all know aspects of me. Why not share my own personal thoughts and observations. I’ll be honest in saying, it may not appear to be a pleasant analysis, at least in part, but it is honest.

I am 26. I’m married to a wonderful man who, despite my many flaws and faults, loves me for who I am. He stands by me, and helps me realize parts of myself that I thought either forgotten or misplaced.

I grew up too quickly I think. Sometimes. I was always such a serious person when I was younger. Still am I guess. But I’ve learned to find the fun in more things now than I had in the past. I let my heart lead my head on occasion which has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it has given me access to levels of my emotional self that I may not have realized otherwise. But a curse in that it’s lead me to trouble on more than one occasion. Ooops.

I will give the vibe that I’m detached, sometimes cold, distant. It’s the mask I’ve created to hide my heart because my bad habit of wearing it on my sleeve and wiping my nose with it. I don’t say “I love you” unless I mean it, and I don’t say it often. Sometimes I don’t say it often enough. Some people I want to tell, but chicken out. But for me, for me to love someone, it isn’t the same way I love Matt. He is my husband and my partner. For me to love, it is a feeling that goes beyond the simple ties of friendship.

But in this all, I still see myself on occasion as an ugly thing. As high as the peaks are, so are the depths of my valleys. I feel joy, love, but also sadness, and see darkness inside. We are all people of light and shadows, it’s only in finding the balance do we really know who we are. I am not blind to my darkness, nor do I shy away from it. Which scares me sometimes. Sometimes, I feel myself wrapped in my shadows, so tightly I can barely breathe, and all I want to do is scream at it. Rage against the darkness, but I’m lucky if I can barely muster a muffled squeak. It is with your helping hands, my friends, that I shred away the darkness. That I take the shadows that would seek to consume me, and with your help, push them back, and keep them at bay. And in that I find happiness, that there are those I can lean on when I don’t have the strength to keep myself erect. And in that happiness, I find shame, that I cannot do it on my own. And with this conflict, I can feel the pricking, burning tears forming behind my eyes, and I don’t know whether to rage, or scream, or cry or laugh, or sit numbly, and just let it all out. I try, everyday to be a good person, and I’ve been successful thus far. I stand strong, but sometimes, I just want to surround myself with people I can trust, let the defenses drop, and let it drain away. But I won’t. I can’t. Because, when it comes right down to it…I’m simply not strong enough.

The Morning...November 12, 2008

In the silence that surrounds me when those first moments of consciousness hit me, I stare blindly at the ceiling, musing upon the possibilities of the coming day. I feel a shift beside me. Firm, and constant. My rock, my love and my friend. Gentle breath on my shoulder, and a warmth that I know I will soon miss.


My feet hit the ground. It's cold, and hard. Unyielding. Like the person I know I have to be at times. Like the person I can sometimes be, when I really don't want to be. Unlike the floor though, I've never been refinished. Perhaps it's time to invest in that. Some personal refinishing, to bring out the natural beauty that I'm sure is there, but is simply hidden by some years of neglecting it. The glimmer is there...but maybe it's time to bring out the shine.


The smell of coffee. Warm, comforting, familiar. A searing sensation every morning. A simple reminder that sometimes in life, we have to endure a little something bitter, but find something enjoyable in each day, no matter what. And when things get a little too bitter? Just add a little milk, and you're set.


The shower. The morning ritual of cleansing oneself of the previous days toil. Restoring, at least on the surface, a veneer of cultured civility. Preparing oneself to face the day, and the posibilities that the new one carries. Allowing the heat and pounding pressure of the water to force you to release the pent up tension from the previous day. Letting the soap suds draw out the toxic thoughts, and sloughing them off down the drain where the rest of the waste belongs.


To dress, to primp, to preen. To assume the mask we must display at times to get through the day. To cover the cracks that appear in time, and show a strength we may not always find true in ourselves. Because god forbid we ever EVER show weakness in the face of adversity. Chin up, shoulders back, and walk heel->toe->heel->toe...wait. That's high heels isn't it? Be strong. And enter the world with the power of a hurricane. Be a force to be reckonned with. And never back down...even when sometimes that's all you want to do.


And to tag people in a note when you haven't even mentioned them by name. Perhaps it is a call out, for input on your thoughts. Either to encourage healthy debate, or cultivate a positive feedback. You know that you're not alone in these thoughts. Or that others may see you in a different way? Or perhaps, just to know that your thoughts have been heard.

My friends. I love you. You are beautiful. And thank you for your time

Family and Friends...November 9, 2008

Interestingly enough, this thought came upon me during the Drag Show I was fortunate enough to go to on the 8th. Being so far away from my parents and sister, and my in laws, with only my husband down here with me, I got to thinking about what it means, getting older (growing up is, of course, optional) and the family that we surround ourselves with. And most of the time, these people start off as strangers, though some find their way into your heart, leaving you feeling more complete than you were before.

The interesting thing about this, is these people, and the dynamic you hold with them...you never even knew you were missing them in the first place. It gives you the feeling like you're floating on air, and if nurtured correctly, is a feeling that you never have to let go of. It's a different kind of love you feel than what you have with your kin.

Growing up, I was very lucky. Never for a minute did I not know that I had at least one best friend I could always go to...always count on. That would of course be my sister. Always a constant support, even when we would fight, even when we were so mad at each other we were seeing red...we always had each other's backs.

And I miss that. I truly do. It's always nice having a personal cheering section, and being one for someone else.

So where does that leave me now. Southern Ontario, with my delightfully zany husband. And, my new family. People that I'd go to the wall for. That I care about as if they were my own family. And in a sense, they are. Eli, Ryan, Heather, TJ, Jamal. All the wonderful and wacky people that I've met, and only known for such a short period of time...They all give me a connection to things around this place that I never thought I'd have again, especially after some of the unpleasantness in Cold Lake. (Excluding the wonderful people I met there of course.)

I'm not a person who easily considers people my friend. Been burned on that a few times before, so I'm far more selective these days. But for those of you whom I do consider to be my friends, it is an honour and a priviledge to know you. You're beautiful. You're fabulous.

More to come

About...This!

HI! Thanks for coming. More than anything I'm starting this as a bit of a challenge for myself. My goal is somewhat regular postings on things that cross my twisted little mind. I hope I can convey my thoughts in a cohesive manner, though sometimes I admit I greatly enjoy watching the thought process unravel and see exactly where the strings of consciousness lead me.

You'll likely recognize some of my early posts, as I will be transferring them from Facebook. I want my journal to all be in one handy location. I'll tidy them up, spelling, grammar etc. Not actually CHANGING anything in them. From here on, I'll probably either post simultaneously between the two, or put up some sort of notice on my Facebook page.

My hope is that eventually this will open a dialog, not just on this site, but in general. Or expose you to something a bit different.

I do hope you enjoy the ride and I look forward to you joining me on this endeavour.

Love to you all!

Rob