Monday, April 4, 2011

Short Post...Small Thoughts.

People always say, “Write what you know. In order to make your reader believe and feel what you’re writing, start with what you know.” So how about I give it shot. Write what I know and what I feel, and let you be the judge. No. Not judge. No one can judge me, except me. Witness. I will write what I know and I invite you to sit as a witness, and a participant.

I am sitting the basement of my house, enjoying a Bitburger beer in a beer glass acquired in Memphis Tennessee. These two things were given to me by my husband. He brought the glass back from training, and he introduced me to the beer when we were in Frankfurt. Music is playing from my speakers, a somewhat discordant mess, due in large part to me not being focussed on the music, rather I am intent on the words appearing before me on the screen. The music soothes me, at times, and evokes emotions in me that make my throat tight and eyes prickle. With the exception of one song, this is a soundtrack to a movie I had just recently watched. “Shelter,” it was hard to find the DVD, but I did it eventually. Nearly a year I had been searching for it, and I was finally able to order it online. The music is haunting at times. Bright and airy at others. The movie made me miss Matt something fierce.

I was misty the first time I watched it.

I cried the second time I watched it.

It was a coming of age romantic comedy movie. Searching in one’s self to find his truth, while balancing things like life, family and obligation. A journey to stop denying who he was and to stand up for himself, and finally take from life what he wanted for himself, rather than handing over his life to all the people who wanted to take every aspect of his life from him. While I can’t relate to everything, the underlying message of weighing your life, and making the choice to be with someone who could (and ended up being) the love of their life…I know that feeling. The feeling of terror when making the decision that would echo throughout the rest of your life, and the reassuring grip in your hand, knowing you have their support, and that you’re making the right decision. At the end, not for them…but making the right decision for yourself. Yes. That feeling I know very well.

It’s not easy making decisions of that magnitude. It doesn’t matter what your orientation is. The decision to commit, and to be with that person, and to let that person past all your defences, is not an easy one to make. In this day, with disposable cell phones, disposable computers, and disposable friendships, offering one’s body up to the flavour of the night isn’t a difficult decision to make…the struggle comes with offering up your heart in the hope and faith that they will not abuse your trust in them. Sometimes the fairytale comes true, and they trust you with the same. Sometimes the nightmare rears its ugly head, and you find yourself picking up the pieces of your broken heart.

So you pick up. Dust off, and make the decision. To keep going. Or to give up.

Evidently I kept going, and I found my story unfolding accompanied by friend and partner to walk through the pages of life with.

It hasn’t always been easy. There have been times when we’ve been pushed around, bullied, and all but physically beaten down. But I’ve already told that story. And part of living is looking to the future, and not dwelling on the pain of the past, instead looking to the future with a hope and optimism that’s usually found in the movies.

But oh…to love and be loved in return. Nothing better in the world.

Maybe this didn’t quite end where I intended…but you know what. That’s okay. Thank you, for being my witness to this. Thoughts and comments are as always appreciated. My love to you all.

Current Soundtrack

Running Up That Hill – Placebo
Lie to Me – Shane Mack
Goin’ Home – Bill Ferguson
I Like That – Shane Mack
Take the Long Way Home – Shane Mack
More Than This – Shane Mack
Reflections – Todd Hannigan

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